Yesterday I went to the doctor for a problem with my ear. As follow-up to a visit with my cardiologist last year, the new doctor ordered a thorax CT with and without contrast for some nodules they had noted on my lungs. Nothing to be scared about, or so he said.
Today, they did the scan without contrast first and then the technician came back in the room and asked me if I have ever had the contrast. I told her yes, but only nuclear contrast because of an iodine allergy that's gotten progressively worse as I've aged. She told me they didn't do nuclear CTs at the Canton location and asked me if by chance I'd be willing to pre-dose with epinephrine and then do the CT with the contrast.
It's a damn good thing I was still laying down on the table or I may have fallen to the floor in immediate anxiety and panic. I couldn't answer her for a second, I was in mid-panic thinking "NOPE, no flipping way, not a chance!".
I was sure my brain was on momentary pause. I tried hard to get my voice to work, but my throat felt clogged, my brain was running through spells of crazy. I had even conjured the above image in my head, in what seemed like several minutes before I could speak. Finally amidst my panic, I squeaked out "I'd be terrified to try it, not to mention if something did go extremely wrong, my husband is out of the country right now."
She spent several minutes discussing successes and failures with her previous attempts doing the same thing. My body let me have some control over my mouth again, which may very well have been standing wide open while she spoke and I wouldn't even know it. I was seconds from all out tearful bawling, thinking I had kept the panic inside when finally my big girl voice came out. It even bellowed quite loudly through my own head, "No, I can't do it! I'd rather cut my wrists than know you are injecting me with something that may very well kill me. You'd simply have to knock me out to even get near me with a needle delivering iodine!"
She stepped back from me noticing she had moved me from panic to terror and in a comforting voice (as if she was speaking to a child) said, "Alright then, we'll stop at no contrast and see if that's enough for your doctor. Don't panic, we won't make you do it".
It was her reaction to me that made me realize I was in fully body sweats and my heart was beating so hard it hurt in my ears. She helped me sit up from the scanner, but I was so dizzy I felt like I was going to faint so she laid me back down and called for assistance. Another woman brought in a cold towel and cup of chipped ice.
I don't know if she's never seen someone react like that before or not, but I really did not mean to behave like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum. It was totally beyond my control.
When I left the office, I sat in my car for a few minutes letting the black dots of dizzied panic disappear before I could think about driving.
Fear is the mind killer. My fear certainly made me react outside of myself.
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