Pardon Me, Harvard, While I Steal Your Electroscope

Did you ever notice that in love and life it's when you're denied or challenged with something that you really set your mind on it - full steam ahead?

About ten years ago I had become unhappy with myself and my personal situation, but I wasn't sure how to go about making a different me.

If you knew you had the power to change you to who you feel you are supposed to be, what would you do?

Being my Mom's child and growing up with lists for everything...that exactly what I did; I wrote this list of things I had thought would change me into who and what I felt I needed to be. I was dead set on making sure I could find the me I was happy with. This list, though only a select few people knew it existed in list format, was tormenting to many people around me. With my change I impacted and changed the lives others around me; my Mom, my kids, my husband, my friends. They all felt my storm and I knew I was doing it against their will. They all probably thought I was losing my mind, with the exception of one friend who apparently was in the same stage of life. She was with me, making her own massive changes and growing into who she is today.

There were so many things on that list that I didn't think I was brave enough or strong enough to do because I'd always been one to give and sacrifice; I had never been one not to care how it impacted others. The mere act of writing these things down gave me a vicious, hell-bent drive to make sure I did all of it. I had to be me and if I had to horrify everyone in my methods of madness, I had to do it for me.

Each time I placed a check on the list, I felt great. These were, aside from leaving a great job against my husband's wishes (no apologies for it either), mostly little things. It was not quite a life list of 1000 things to do before I die, but things I felt compelled to do. Some were silly things to test myself, some were outright bold behavior situations that I doubted I could overcome. Others were actually adventures and few were about overcoming personal fear. Modifications were necessary on a few and some changes caused other ones that were not foreseen. Somewhere in the midst of my evolution I realized I had married my friend and my friend was not capable of being my lover as I evolved. Regardless of the trauma it caused, I did them all to my satisfaction.

I've tried writing a new list of things I want to accomplish. For some reason, it's just a list of things that I'm not getting done to my satisfaction, though I have accomplished two from a list of ten.

One of which was forcing myself to sit next to someone eating seafood without letting anxiety get the best of me. Seems simple, right? If you haven't had the non-pleasure of me shaking or sweating next to you eating your shrimp cocktail you wouldn't know how much it bothered me that I couldn't control my fear. I can't tell you how many times I had to sit in that trauma to finally not feel the fear. Immersion was my only way out! Officially this was a check in the box yesterday. The rest of the list is getting the best of me though.

Denial, especially destructive self-denial of is not something I can tolerate. I'm letting life static get in the way of me doing all the things I want to experience. It'll be a cold day in the place of the condemned for me if I keep letting it happen.

I just can't seem to figure out what is static and what I to hold onto. I do know a lot of it is people purging that I need to do. It's amazing how people can become life clutter, side tracking my personal mission. Though I can say "lessen learned" from previous sessions of morphing into Vikki, these changes are more about growing me, not changing me entirely ~ I'm not unhappy this time I just feel the need for moderate change.

I feel the pressure and there's certain to be a static discharge coming on soon....

Can I buy a WORD, Pat?

There are only 5-7 vowels and though they are without doubt necessary to communication; it's words that I really need. I'm a chatter box and I always have been.

Meeting new people is never a challenge to me. I'm generally rolling in conversation even with perfect strangers within seconds of dead air. I can pick on one common piece of information; anything and it just usually comes so easy.

My complex comes in trying to chat with someone who just seems to hide behind themselves. There are people that might answer a question if asked, and there are those that will pause and hope you continue speaking so they don't have to answer or go beyond the cordial nod.

Do people think their image says everything and if they open their mouth they may become lesser the receiver's mind? I do know some people that absolutely qualify for that deduction, but I don't think it's always the case. In most cases I've already mentally noted the image/impression before I ever opened my mouth so I know what I'm getting myself into.

Are people just so used to the solidarity of Facebook and email that they can't talk in person or on the phone anymore? Or might it just be that I'm conversationally boring in my old age? If so, then why not tell me just that? Would it take more than the daily vocal word limit to describe my failure? It's entirely possible that for every word spoken in a day you get to type one less.

Am I just clueless and hopelessly social and unworthy of your verbal word bank?

"Hi, Jeff. It's Vikki, I was just calling to follow-up on ____________. How's that going? Hey, Vikki. I'll send you an email in in a minute and let you know the status."

Arrrgh! I called because I wanted to TALK about it, not READ about it. If I wanted to wait on a flipping email I wouldn't have picked up the phone to begin with.

I refuse to believe that most people are rude; though without doubt, some are.

*Dead Air*

Vikki reaches out and spins the wheel and buys a word.

Jerk; that's my word.

Speak to me when I'm speaking to you JERK-head!

Now that's rude!

Do I need a day?

I'm packing today and getting ready for international departure. Deep in the front pocket of my suitcase, I found a love letter. A love letter that I've saved for years; right where I need it ~ in my suitcase. I have these tidbits of love planted like land-mines thoughout my house. They are in my night stand, each of my suitcases, in my brief case, packed in totes in the basement ~ I do not lack love letters.

When we first started dating our relationship was from Essex, Ontario to Nashville, Tennessee so love letters tucked in semi-conspicious places were a way to tell ourselves to wait for what would someday be a better day; a day we didn't have to send hugs and kisses over the airwaves, to drive 600 miles and through customs to be together. Though we are married and live in the same house, that better day has never arrived! It's never been better than it was then and never will be...because it was perfect from the start and you can't improve that; all you can do is age it like a fine wine.

I'm not sure I need a Hallmark day to remember how much I'm loved, I can find it on any day, on any trip. I can't even tell you what date he wrote it, but I can tell you it feels like yesterday. He still calls me Queen, still calls me Baby, still gives me the X's, O's and our own special blend of Y's and Z's.







The wine may look as fine, but the taste of it is all I need to know ~ I DO NOT NEED A DAY to call it good. Every time I sip of it, I know it's aging perfectly!

Lead from the Middle

I love-hate my job. I think I've said that before and I really do mean it. If I weren't in love with it, I wouldn't stay. If I didn't hate it, I couldn't make it better.

A good portion of my job is dealing with vendors/suppliers. I spend most of my working hours in their facilities working with their teams. So much so, I often have to remind myself I'm part of their customer's team, not theirs. I'm accused of being a vendor defender, though I never forget who signs my pay check.

I do my best to understand both sides of every situation and 100% of my work revolves around situations; usually sticky and messy ones. I generally get called when someone else has given up or has run to the edge of their ability (albeit their ability is generally limited because of location). I'm mobile and I go to the problem site or sites.

I consider myself a negotiator as much as problem solver. Though most people don't see me as the first at all, the just know I make their problem go away.

I'm consistently trying to foster agreement, anticipate and manage conflicts in order to build momentum toward agreement. [It's no wonder I drink, eh? It's also no wonder my kid pulls the crap he does ~ he knows I'm exhausted from it when I get home].

I don't point fingers unless pointing is due and I have the data to show it. I dig for facts, solutions and validations. Always leading from the middle; quietly and covertly fixing things so we can continue another day.

When I saw this photo I thought that's me - little (referring to my position; not size), quiet and covert in between the ones that get attention and I don't even look like I'm leading. Though if I squat or cock a leg, they will ultimately pay attention to where I'm aiming and follow in my direction or have themselves a mess to clean up.





My reward for quietly solving problems? More problems to solve. See you all in Monterrey, Mexico and St. Louis, Missouri next week!

Advantage Card

No, I'm not playing a fantasy game. I wish I were!

I'm talking about being a giver, never a taker. With teenagers, you think you know just how much you're willing to give in hopes they will become everything you expected. Still, you give more than you ever thought you would have to and wonder when it ends.

I swear Jason has me pegged for idiot. I know the rebel stage; I lived it more than once. I'm trying with all my might not to the let the rebel win. Though, through it all, I'm starting to wonder where it is that parents decide to call in the dogs and quit searching for a miraculous change.

He's 19, jobless, living at home and going to college. He makes no effort to do anything other than to get good grades. He's not dumb and neither am I, but sometimes I feel he's playing me for a fool.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are college full time for him. He can't seem to find a job around his schedule. He went through a period of looking and applying, but I no longer see him searching. He was spoiled by his income through the summer and his Highness thinks he deserves no less. I'm almost sure he's waiting to get back to summer employment. What baffles me is I think he honestly believes it's my duty to support him in between.

Let's see in a quick run down:

A) I just paid over $2600.00 in tuition in January
B) I pay his gas to and from school
C) I let him use my cell phone (since he has no money to pay his own)
D) Jerod pays his car insurance (after 5 wrecks)
E) I buy his clothes (mostly as gifts - bday and holiday, but still)
F) Jerod and I provide food and roof over his head
G) I just bought tires for his truck (though I had to give him gas to go get them put on)
H) He's "swiped" my debit card a few times without permission

That's just this past 30 days. I wish he'd get it - get a job or get out! I can't imagine kicking him out of my home, but I know the time is approaching.

It's the advantage card for sure! He needs some extra smoke clouds to escape the wrath that I'm so close to delivering.

I guess he doesn't realize that when I was his age, I was supporting him as in infant! My gosh, that scares me! If I were in his shape at the same age, I would have had to sell him.

I'm simple, I'm easy. ....and I'm still waiting for a thank you on the tires, though I'm guessing it's not coming.

I'm praying for change, but I think it's going to come in bottle returns only!

Bloody Thirsty

While in Chicago last week, I was once again assigned to a foreign rental vehicle, which I will not drive. While walking to the office in the blustering wind and snow is quite the pain, I have principle; I will not sacrifice myself for myself.

I grew up with my Dad taking care of my family on a GM hourly pay, my husband works forGM and they are the biggest market share of sales for the company I work for.

Though I’m not fiercely loyal to GM, it is my preference. I mean, they did sell off my favored brand and though I understand why, I’m still slightly scorned by it.

My next purchase may or may not be a GM product, but it will be American made by an American car company.

So while standing in Avis, I was reassigned from a Hyundai to the Chrysler Journey that had the I-Pass auto tolling system which I had originally requested.

When I got in the car it was horribly dirty. In fact, it looked like someone had six kids in it for lunch….crumbs everywhere and evident coffee spills on the driver’s seat. Though I decided not go back in and have a hissy fit, I did report to the gate person that “I would be embarrassed to rent such a filthy car” and she made note of it on my contract.

Upon return of the car the next day, I happened to take note of the return agent looking at the drivers seat stain. I took no issue with telling him it wasn’t me, and followed up by telling him that I had had it noted on the contract how defiled the car had been on my receipt of it.

His reply amazed me. “I understand Mam, we lost 700 cars out of our fleet yesterday to the Toyota recall, that was 65% of our fleet”.

I felt my jaw drop. 65% of Avis’ fleet is Toyotas? I know that Toyotas have held their value while the US automakers have fallen apart in the past year and half. It makes sense that rental car companies would buy them instead. Afterall, they do need to sell them at some point relatively soon. I think the rental life cycle is generally up to 25,000 miles. However, there’s my last laugh!

For years my job has been to make safe products for safe cars. So to me, seeing Avis’ business crumple and rentals refused was a might bit joyous. I’m not a Toyota hater; I’m just about keeping myself working with what has worked for me.

What makes me smile into an evil grin is seeing GM, Chrysler, Ford and – hold on – even Hyundai jump on the bandwagon for a piece of Toyota’s misfortune. Blood thirsty is the industry.

Though it’s a lure with fear tactic to offer incentives for trade in of Toyotas, I do love the retaliation of the American auto industry. Foreign car makers had no issue pointing out the financial weakness in the American auto industry with warranty scare and such. Turn-about seems such fair play.

Ford – offering $1,000 trade in for Acura, Honda, Toyota, Lexus and Scion owners. They aren’t discriminating on whose sales they rip by fear.

GM – offering 0% financing, $1,000 cash toward and down payment and $1,000 to help pay of the lease of a Toyota. Not a bad deal if I were a frightening Toyota owner wanting out of my lease.

Chrysler – offering $1,000 trade in cash if purchasing a mini-van or full size truck with a Toyota lease expiring. I don’t expect much from this offering; most Toyota owners involved in the recall won’t be switching to the larger vehicle class even by fear.

Hyundai – offering $1,000 trade in cash on Toyota for a Sanata, Elantra or Elantra touring. Seeking competitive sales theft only, I guess.

Regardless of the incentive, I love seeing the competitive edge turn. Even if by failure of the competitor. That is what good hearted competition is all about, right? If you can’t win by your own skill, find the weakness if your competitor and exploit it.

Bottom line: if I’m forced to choose between financial stability and safety in my automaker’s world; I, myself, am going safety all the way!

Put that in your carpet and see if your pedal stops it!

I had a dream

I had a dream that was more of a terrible nightmare once I realized how bad it scared me. The thoughts of what would change in my life and how devastated I might be if they did were horrifying. The dream had no guts or gore, only cold realities of what goes on inside my head during my waking hours then manifests into my sleep patterns.

I know I have a great life and in that knowing I tend to let it be as it is. I improve what I can, but I don't do much to make sure my life as it is can withstand. I don't do the preventative maintenance on my life as I should but it doesn't come with an owners manual. Nothing is there depicting what maintenance I should be doing at specified intervals in order to make sure it stays the way it is or improves by plan. My only guideline is my own feeling or instinct.

I've been dealing with inner pain for the last few years, and I always think I'm dealing with the best I can, but it's things like my dream that make me know it's time for change.

When I travel for work, I'm in a constant guilt circle about what I'm leaving undone or unattended to at home. Is Jason getting his home work done? Are the dogs okay? I could be painting the laundry room. Is Jerod happy? Did Marty win his hockey game. Does Marty miss me as much as I miss him or has he gotten used to my absence and it's just life? I wonder how Taniya's day is going? Does Jason have gas money for school? Did Kim do something fun with the kids today? Is Suz still smiling like she was when I last saw her? What does Jen plan to do for her birthday? Better yet, what might she want for her birthday? Oh my, I'm gone so much I have no clue what my sister wants! Something is wrong here. Is Lissa okay? The thoughts are endless!

These are the simple thoughts that circle my brain during business meetings and while in the air from place to place. All these things are on replay day in and day out. Some of these things are why I Facebook and blog - keeping in touch when I can't be there. Yet I still miss important things; I had no idea Suz's Gram had passed away on my last trip. If I missed that, I know I'm missing more.

Though I know my family takes care of the home and their own responsibilities, there's always the question of what I'm missing out on or not accomplishing while I am paying my bills, staying working and enjoying life to the best of my abilities.

My dream centers around my marriage. It's taken me years to learn but I know that my marriage is a love tank; utilizing the principle of putting into the relationship what I expect to get out. I always fear I'm not putting in enough, though I don't know what enough is. When I'm talking to Jerod and saying "I'll be home at 2:30pm, make sure she's out by then, " I know I'm just kidding and so does he. Yet it's my own guilt of absence manifesting and coming out as playful things we giggle about.

I know I can't be the only one in the world of what I do for a living worrying about these things. Can I? I must either worry too much or have an inner guilt ripping through me.

I'm dreaming about Jerod leaving me. Leaving me for a hair dresser, no less. I know it's funny in theory, but serious inside of me. [*Hairdresser, Jerod, NOT! He doesn't have enough hair. Sherry, watch your step! :D*]

In my dream I'm begging him to stay and telling him he can't take Xena with him. In this dream, he told me to keep the dog. That's the serious part! He never refers to Xena with less love than his blond girlfriend or second wife, certainly not as the "dog". If it had truly (in waking life) got to the point where he told me to keep the dog, I'd know his heart was hardened and cold and we'd be past the point of no return.

Truth being our marriage is great, it feels solid and our lives work for us. We still call each other pet names, do little things for each other, snuggle and hug. I mean the man unpacked my suitcase for me yesterday and despite what fun we had on Facebook commenting about it, I know it's out of love. We still have a full and happy marriage that I want to keep the way it is and grow it with us. It's not nearly as far nor nearly as bad as my dream. Yet my brain can imagine it, so it's entirely possible.

So what I have to do is wonder what I can do to put more in. I actually woke up scared and immediately sought Jerod out to talk to him about it. I can't help it that I travel, but what little things can I do to make it obvious that the travel is my sideline to life? Travel is what I do, not what I want. Rather it's what I do in order to have the "whats" WE want. Maybe it's age or exhaustion, but I'm starting to weight if what we want is worth what we miss out on by being in separate places. I know this is not only my pain, but it's his too. He travels for work and misses out on the same exact things I do when I'm gone.

I can develop action plans to change my job, but it's part of what I like about my life too. It affords me new scenery, new challenge, widening of horizon, meeting new people, understanding different culture within the world. I get a lot of reward from the kind of work I do, yet the ever turning side of that is there is cost to it. The cost of what I miss and may be leaving unattended.

Balance; I've got to work on balance! I feel when the scale is tipping, I do. I know this by simple things. Things like when I come home and attempt to get in bed, Xena has well rooted in my side of the bed and is darn certain she's not getting out without a fight. I've got to balance the weights, fill the love tank and keep it all the way I want it.

The way I want it is a happy family, home and hearts. Maybe when I dream of that, then I'll know I'm living it right. Until then, I've got some work to do!

So my friends that think my traveling for a living is great, are you still thinking the same?

Maybe it's just being in every single time zone in the US within one week and being mentally and physically exhausted, but maybe it's more real that I can acknowledge.

Regardless, I'm off to work on the balance! Kiss my husband, take care of Jason's needs and go watch Marty play in his hockey game while depositing a check in my bank account to pay my bills.

If I have to stand in the middle of the balance beam and ask a couple of friends to help me find center, I will!